Science Projects

Elementary school was fun, or at least I remember it being fun, but one of the most fun and aggravating part of elementary school was the science fairs. It was fun in the sense that I got to tap into my creative side and try to come up with cool projects to do. Well, actually come up with cool projects and let my dad do them. So for the fourth grade science fair I told my dad I was interested in the planets, particularly the sun. So I just rented a book from the library, handed it to my dad and let him create an awesome and highly informative poster board.


My (dad's) awesome poster board

It came out fantastic, and I thought I was going to win for sure. But I guess my teachers pretty much figured out that I didn't really do the work myself and just gave me a goddamn participant ribbon. Man I hated those things, even as a kid I knew it was a sort of slap in face. But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that my arch nemesis Gomez won fucking first place for his lame ass science project.


Gomez being a douche as usual

So for fifth grade my last and final chance at winning first place, I decided to actually do my work. So for christmas I asked my parents for one of those science experiments for kids book, and looked through every experiment until I came across one that blew my fucking mind. It was a project for a lemon battery, something about the acid in the lemon working as an energy source for an extremely low wattage lightbulb (those really really tiny ones). Anyways, I knew that this would kick the shit out of anything Gomez could pull out of his ass. Unfortunately no one could help me solder the wiring to the lightbulb until a few days before the actual science fair, so I didn't find out till a day or two before the actual fair that the goddamn thing doesn't fucking work. No amount of yelling or punching helped light the thing up. I even thought about hiding a battery in there, but I didn't want to win like that.


I hate you so hard

Anyways, the following day I took my piece of shit lemon lightbulb, got participant again, and tried to hold back the tears as Gomez won the fair again. I don't remember what his project was that day, he probably figured out a way to remove the rest of the smucker's label off the jam jar or something, but I do remember promising myself that from that day forth I would never trust anything published by scholastic publishing company again and that if I ever saw gomez or a lemon dying on the side of a street asking for help, I would ignore them with a smile on my face and drive away into the night.