Mirrors

Contrary to popular belief, mirrors may not show you an exact reflection of yourself. Thought this is a generally well known fact due to those fun mirrors at carnivals and whatnot, I feel that too many people forget when they're at clothing stores. Just like how clothing stores do external advertising to get customers in, they use a more stealthy form of advertising once you make it in store. This is accomplished through warped mirrors that make you look much better than you actually do. That way after you buy your clothes and get home only to realize that you look terrible in destroyed jeans, you'll be too lazy to go back to the store and return it. I recently went to the mall and here are 3 examples of warped store mirrors I didn't notice till now, because I'm fat and I have no job.

Example 1:

Hollister

This is a unique case, because it uses two forms of image manipulation that has nothing to do with the mirrors themselves, but rather the store atmosphere. First they imprint your mind with ridiculously cut and buff mannequins with massive dongs by putting out 300 of those right in front of the store, all wearing track jackets with no shirts, surrounding you. You feel like you're in "bukkake legends vol. 3" so you take your last deep breath of air waiting for what's coming, but instead you get a jolt of shitty polo sports rip off cologne. Either this volume is mexican edition or they're putting trace amounts of hallucinogens in the scent. Next thing you know you're grabbing a brightly colored track jacket, and in a daze of shitty cologne and a feeling of euphoria from having narrowly avoided a face full of nut, you realize that you weren't actually the receiver, but the giver. Plus, it's so fucking dark in the dressing room, and the mirror so fucking close you have to use your imagination or buy something based off of what can only be described as a Beethoven bust.


Hollister is the only place where I can be an alpha male.(left: me at hollister, right: me at home


This is all you're ever going to see in that dank claustrophobic fitting room

Example 2:

American Apparel

I really should have known better, since I have seen people walking out of american apparel with extremely deep cut v-neck shirts, but Nicole wanted to go in to buy something, so I had no choice. Anyways, they had some pretty nice colors, so I decided to try on a couple shirts. Holy shit the shirt looked good on me. The mirrors must've have been warped to have some sort of myspace angle, because my double chin was suddenly gone, the v-neck didn't look as deep, and I was fucking seven feet tall. Realizing that I could probably play professional basketball or have my own rap career, I bought their overpriced shirt. Unfortunately when I got home my second chin made its reappearance and my hardened nipples were exposed for all to see, hardened from the shiver I got from having to look at my own naked body and the fact that I over paid for what was basically half a shirt.


"yeah, I'm seven feet tall, wanna fight about it? left: met at AA right: me at home

Example 3:

GAP

This is only for certain gaps, but my speculation is that the earlier gap stores got the bulk of their mirrors from antique stores in the middle east, probably along with a few cases of wish granting monkey paws to boot, since the store is still around despite sucking pretty hard. Anyways, the mirrors there either shows a reflection of you with extreme dwarfism or, in shallow hal fashion, shows what you really look like on the inside. Apparently I look like an oompa loompa, because their mirrors make you look stocky and short like a dwarven blacksmith.


best oompa loompa picture I could find

That's pretty much it for mirrors.

Sung