Five Man Team- Pitch Black Edition

So after watching Vin Diesel slice up monsters and pop his shoulder out of his socket in Pitch Black, and watching some shitty scary movie called Darkness Falls where a tooth fairy goes on a killing rampage, I wanted to create my own five man team in case I ever get stuck someplace where I am forced to fight against light sensitive creatures. Here we go:

1. German Raver


The whistle will also help attract the brunt of the alien monsters in case one of us has to die

Sure he doesn't have much light with only two glowsticks, but when the bass kicks in and the ecstacy starts flowing, he'll start to feel the music man, like "oontz, oontz, oontz" and there's no stopping this guy. It'll be like watching the disney electrical parade, but instead the trains will be going 300 mph and the music will be hand selected by DJ Claussteinberg.

2. Blain from Predator (Jesse Ventura)


Random guy: You're bleeding.
Blain: I AIN'T GOT TIME TO BLEED.

Jesse Ventura doesn't really have any flashlights or technically any light source at all, but he has a gigantic machine gun. The way Jesse Ventura works is that he blows things up (thus creating light), so he doesn't really need any light sources. If you have ever seen predator, every viet cong village he shoots goes up in flames or explodes. We're talking about refugee houses made of straws and wood with no electricity blowing up and catching on fire from bullets. It doesn't make any damn sense, but if Blain's machinegun shoots explosive fire bullets, I'm all for it. Also if he ever runs out of bullets (he never does), he can use wrestling moves on aliens and shoot snus in their eyes.

3. Christina Hendricks


Dem titties man, dem goddamn titties.

Also known as the girl from Firefly and Mad Men, she's hot and has enormous tits. So I figure it'll be nice to have something good to at, while killing things. Yeah... that's pretty much it.

4. Bio-Luminescent Jellyfish

Not my picture, got it from the internet somewhere.

If you've ever played the fantastic space opera role playing game Mass Effect 1 or 2, then you know what I'm talking about (Hanar). Otherwise just think of my next team member as a glowing jellyfish that that is capable of shooting multiple guns at once and can talk. Basically the guy is unkillable on this planet, since even if those light sensitive aliens were able to get near the Jellyfish it'll just die from the light radiating from its body. It's not even fair.

5. Me

I'm probably just going to wedge myself in between Christina Hendrick's boobs and keep the boombox going for the German Guy.

That's my unstoppable five man team for Pitch Black and Darkness Falls.