Mirrors

Contrary to popular belief, mirrors may not show you an exact reflection of yourself. Thought this is a generally well known fact due to those fun mirrors at carnivals and whatnot, I feel that too many people forget when they're at clothing stores. Just like how clothing stores do external advertising to get customers in, they use a more stealthy form of advertising once you make it in store. This is accomplished through warped mirrors that make you look much better than you actually do. That way after you buy your clothes and get home only to realize that you look terrible in destroyed jeans, you'll be too lazy to go back to the store and return it. I recently went to the mall and here are 3 examples of warped store mirrors I didn't notice till now, because I'm fat and I have no job.

Example 1:

Hollister

This is a unique case, because it uses two forms of image manipulation that has nothing to do with the mirrors themselves, but rather the store atmosphere. First they imprint your mind with ridiculously cut and buff mannequins with massive dongs by putting out 300 of those right in front of the store, all wearing track jackets with no shirts, surrounding you. You feel like you're in "bukkake legends vol. 3" so you take your last deep breath of air waiting for what's coming, but instead you get a jolt of shitty polo sports rip off cologne. Either this volume is mexican edition or they're putting trace amounts of hallucinogens in the scent. Next thing you know you're grabbing a brightly colored track jacket, and in a daze of shitty cologne and a feeling of euphoria from having narrowly avoided a face full of nut, you realize that you weren't actually the receiver, but the giver. Plus, it's so fucking dark in the dressing room, and the mirror so fucking close you have to use your imagination or buy something based off of what can only be described as a Beethoven bust.


Hollister is the only place where I can be an alpha male.(left: me at hollister, right: me at home


This is all you're ever going to see in that dank claustrophobic fitting room

Example 2:

American Apparel

I really should have known better, since I have seen people walking out of american apparel with extremely deep cut v-neck shirts, but Nicole wanted to go in to buy something, so I had no choice. Anyways, they had some pretty nice colors, so I decided to try on a couple shirts. Holy shit the shirt looked good on me. The mirrors must've have been warped to have some sort of myspace angle, because my double chin was suddenly gone, the v-neck didn't look as deep, and I was fucking seven feet tall. Realizing that I could probably play professional basketball or have my own rap career, I bought their overpriced shirt. Unfortunately when I got home my second chin made its reappearance and my hardened nipples were exposed for all to see, hardened from the shiver I got from having to look at my own naked body and the fact that I over paid for what was basically half a shirt.


"yeah, I'm seven feet tall, wanna fight about it? left: met at AA right: me at home

Example 3:

GAP

This is only for certain gaps, but my speculation is that the earlier gap stores got the bulk of their mirrors from antique stores in the middle east, probably along with a few cases of wish granting monkey paws to boot, since the store is still around despite sucking pretty hard. Anyways, the mirrors there either shows a reflection of you with extreme dwarfism or, in shallow hal fashion, shows what you really look like on the inside. Apparently I look like an oompa loompa, because their mirrors make you look stocky and short like a dwarven blacksmith.


best oompa loompa picture I could find

That's pretty much it for mirrors.

Sung

Bell Biv DeVoe

Today, we're taking it old school with Bell Biv DeVoe. These are some smooth motherfuckers, so smooth in fact I'm fully confidant that they would've been able to get laid consistently whether or not they were rap and hip hop masters. I've always liked these sort of old school stuff, because they are generally pretty wholesome and contain solid beats, but mostly because I'm tired of the gangster rap stuff I grew up with. Plus, anyone else tired of Enimen's raps? I mean the guy has the same damn formula of rapping pretty normally, then gradually getting really angry, then getting normal again. It's an old and tired formula, but if he's targeting the same old eight grade demographics that he catered to when I was in eighth grade, I guess that makes him a smart business man. Sort of like how my mom during the height of baggy jean popularity bought me jeans so tight I almost shat out my balls every time I tried to sit down, makes her a childhood ruiner.


Bell Biv DeVoe- Poison


Scrubs- Turk Poison Dance

For good measure, a present for those that like scrubs, not really a fan of the show myself, but this dancing is pretty good and funny. Peace.

Science Projects

Elementary school was fun, or at least I remember it being fun, but one of the most fun and aggravating part of elementary school was the science fairs. It was fun in the sense that I got to tap into my creative side and try to come up with cool projects to do. Well, actually come up with cool projects and let my dad do them. So for the fourth grade science fair I told my dad I was interested in the planets, particularly the sun. So I just rented a book from the library, handed it to my dad and let him create an awesome and highly informative poster board.


My (dad's) awesome poster board

It came out fantastic, and I thought I was going to win for sure. But I guess my teachers pretty much figured out that I didn't really do the work myself and just gave me a goddamn participant ribbon. Man I hated those things, even as a kid I knew it was a sort of slap in face. But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that my arch nemesis Gomez won fucking first place for his lame ass science project.


Gomez being a douche as usual

So for fifth grade my last and final chance at winning first place, I decided to actually do my work. So for christmas I asked my parents for one of those science experiments for kids book, and looked through every experiment until I came across one that blew my fucking mind. It was a project for a lemon battery, something about the acid in the lemon working as an energy source for an extremely low wattage lightbulb (those really really tiny ones). Anyways, I knew that this would kick the shit out of anything Gomez could pull out of his ass. Unfortunately no one could help me solder the wiring to the lightbulb until a few days before the actual science fair, so I didn't find out till a day or two before the actual fair that the goddamn thing doesn't fucking work. No amount of yelling or punching helped light the thing up. I even thought about hiding a battery in there, but I didn't want to win like that.


I hate you so hard

Anyways, the following day I took my piece of shit lemon lightbulb, got participant again, and tried to hold back the tears as Gomez won the fair again. I don't remember what his project was that day, he probably figured out a way to remove the rest of the smucker's label off the jam jar or something, but I do remember promising myself that from that day forth I would never trust anything published by scholastic publishing company again and that if I ever saw gomez or a lemon dying on the side of a street asking for help, I would ignore them with a smile on my face and drive away into the night.

Trainspotting

Weekend again, and another movie recommendation. This one hits close though, since it is one of my favorite movies of all time. At least on the top ten. Anyways, as usual I don't like giving away too much of the plot, but it's essentially about a bunch of heroin addicts, focusing on one in particular, and their struggles with quitting, money, and life. It sounds dark, but it's a surprisingly fun and witty movie, and comes with a kind of light tone. Don't get me wrong though, there's definitely a deeper message in there, but you won't realize it till the credits, because the movie is consistently entertaining. The main draw of the movie for me though is the cast. Everyone works extremely well together and everyone feels unique. So give it rental, as it comes with the highest praise from both myself and critics.

Also don't bother trying to rent it from blockbuster, for some reason they don't like carrying decent flicks, and would rather carry 5000 copies of iron man 2. I understand they're a business, but goddamn at least carry a single fucking rentable copy of Trainspotting. So if you want to rent it, it'll either have to be through netflix or a purchase or... you know... yeah.


Trainspotting Trailer
NSFW

Nicole

Well, since Nicole is always linking my blog, I feel that it is only right to place a link to her blog as well.

Nicole's Blog

Her blog is a lot more interesting than mine, since she actually likes to do things and visit unique places and whatnot. So check it out if you're bored. I'm too lazy to write a proper blog, and I don't feel like linking a song today.

Five Man Team- Pitch Black Edition

So after watching Vin Diesel slice up monsters and pop his shoulder out of his socket in Pitch Black, and watching some shitty scary movie called Darkness Falls where a tooth fairy goes on a killing rampage, I wanted to create my own five man team in case I ever get stuck someplace where I am forced to fight against light sensitive creatures. Here we go:

1. German Raver


The whistle will also help attract the brunt of the alien monsters in case one of us has to die

Sure he doesn't have much light with only two glowsticks, but when the bass kicks in and the ecstacy starts flowing, he'll start to feel the music man, like "oontz, oontz, oontz" and there's no stopping this guy. It'll be like watching the disney electrical parade, but instead the trains will be going 300 mph and the music will be hand selected by DJ Claussteinberg.

2. Blain from Predator (Jesse Ventura)


Random guy: You're bleeding.
Blain: I AIN'T GOT TIME TO BLEED.

Jesse Ventura doesn't really have any flashlights or technically any light source at all, but he has a gigantic machine gun. The way Jesse Ventura works is that he blows things up (thus creating light), so he doesn't really need any light sources. If you have ever seen predator, every viet cong village he shoots goes up in flames or explodes. We're talking about refugee houses made of straws and wood with no electricity blowing up and catching on fire from bullets. It doesn't make any damn sense, but if Blain's machinegun shoots explosive fire bullets, I'm all for it. Also if he ever runs out of bullets (he never does), he can use wrestling moves on aliens and shoot snus in their eyes.

3. Christina Hendricks


Dem titties man, dem goddamn titties.

Also known as the girl from Firefly and Mad Men, she's hot and has enormous tits. So I figure it'll be nice to have something good to at, while killing things. Yeah... that's pretty much it.

4. Bio-Luminescent Jellyfish

Not my picture, got it from the internet somewhere.

If you've ever played the fantastic space opera role playing game Mass Effect 1 or 2, then you know what I'm talking about (Hanar). Otherwise just think of my next team member as a glowing jellyfish that that is capable of shooting multiple guns at once and can talk. Basically the guy is unkillable on this planet, since even if those light sensitive aliens were able to get near the Jellyfish it'll just die from the light radiating from its body. It's not even fair.

5. Me

I'm probably just going to wedge myself in between Christina Hendrick's boobs and keep the boombox going for the German Guy.

That's my unstoppable five man team for Pitch Black and Darkness Falls.

Celebrating the 4th

In order to celebrate, I'm going to give myself a break from posting till Tuesday. Have fun at BBQs and fireworks shows.

-Sung